I’m not a big fan of psychological definitions when it comes to personality types. There are often too many overlaps in people’s traits to make valid distinctions. However, there definitely are people who fit the quota of what is considered to be a narcissist. And this article is about spotting them and dealing with their manipulation tactics.
A narcissist cares mostly about control. And that is the distinction to look out for.
Driven by insecurity, they feel they have to dominate people into submission. Life is much more about the power play than anything else to them. It’s a competition, it’s about winning, it’s about dominating and controlling others. But they can be very tricksy and not easy to spot at first.
Narcissists have a very grandiose sense of self-importance. They crave attention and admiration. But they are very vulnerable to criticism and they will react to it with hostility. They are very self-absorbed and tend to gloat about their intellectual abilities. But they lack compassion and empathy.
They often use their intelligence and charisma to manipulate people into liking them. But once they have someone on the hook, they will try and dominate them into subservience.
A narcissists control tactics are always about making a person feel unsure about themselves. And they will use gaslighting tactics — they will consistently negate people with insults and contempt in a bid to make them feel inferior.
So, they will downplay your beliefs, interests and feelings as a ploy to make you question your reality and feel uncertain about yourself. And if they see you start to wobble, they will then continue to wear you down with further tactics of confusion, contempt and condescension in order to dominate you.
But the narcissist will also throw in some contrived pleasantries and compliments, usually in the patronising tone of a school teacher or parent, and this can keep people on the hook via a bit of positive reinforcement. The narcissist senses when they need to feign goodness and fake some charm. And they will often build people up, but then knock them down again. They look for aspects within people they can exploit in order to subjugate them.
The narcissist will also often dangle lots of promises about how great things are going to be as long as they are in control, as long as their plans are followed, as long as no one challenges their authority. Sound familiar?
And if they manage to get authority over others, they will then try to ensure people are subservient. So, they will get them to do insubordinate tasks and to follow their rules. They manipulate people and circumstances in ways to ensure the power dynamic remains with them in a position of dominance. And they often like to make a show of their dominance by belittling people in front of others.
Narcissists can have some redeeming qualities, and they can have some good intentions. They can form bonds with people and experience some empathy, unlike sociopaths. But you have to remember that they are driven by an abnormal desire to control and dominate. They do not share power without resentment. They have little appreciation for equitable behaviour. They have no code of honour.
If a person offers another viewpoint to the narcissist, challenges them, rebukes them or disagrees with them, the narcissist will often go on the offensive and will resort to insults and disrespectful behaviour. They will try and blame the person and make them feel inferior for their ‘ignorance’. They turn on them and become cold and vindictive.
Either that, or the narcissist will react to the challenge by playing victim in a bid to get the person to pity them and feel guilt. “I’ll do it all on my own then, poor me, my plan is so great, but you can’t see it, you won’t help me, boo hoo.”
So, the narcissist can feign their personality and quickly switch between being an interrogator or a victim. And this usually unsettles people via bluster, guilt, confusion or sympathy. At that point, the narcissist continues with whatever tactic is working, and proceeds to further manipulate the person in a bid to make them subordinate.
And that is another way to spot them, as a normal person will not flip their emotional state so quickly — they will not flip from self-pity to hostility so rapidly. So, look out for the crocodile tears of the narcissist, it’s a trap.
The highly intelligent narcissists often wind up in positions of power. For example, they become politicians, police officers, gurus or business heads. Their tendencies mean they are skilled at manipulating and dominating people, and they will often bulldoze their way to the top. They seek positions where they have unbridled control and power over others, and then they abuse that power. They dominate people and are often very malicious.
And this is one of the major problems in this world – there are too many narcissists in positions of authority. And some of them are in fact sociopaths with narcissistic traits, and therefore have no capacity for empathy.
The not so clever narcissists will also seek positions of control and power over others – but they don’t have the intelligence to ascend the ranks. They will often bluff about their knowledge and fake their credentials. They will make false allusions about what they can offer, in a bid to string people along. But they are usually too incoherent and temperamental to convince people for long. And they are not smart enough to conceal their arrogance and their lust for dominance.
Those types are often found lurking in new age circles, activist groups, social justice organisations, ashrams, religious sects, alternative communities, small businesses – pretty much anywhere they can try and dominate people.
And they tend to bounce from one group to the next, as people usually figure them out quite quickly. But in the delusional mind of the narcissist, the people that reject them are all ignorant for not bowing down and serving them. Sometimes, a narcissist will want to leave because they aren’t getting their way, and they will engineer a situation where the group has little choice but to remove them. And that is done, because to maintain their delusions, they need to blame other people for their exit.
Narcissists will often pretend that their priority is helping people, and that they are a team player. But in reality, they care more about controlling people and satisfying the needs of their egomania. Their superiority complex is very toxic.
They are a poison to any business, community or social group that is trying to function with honour and integrity. As they will not integrate, because they will not compromise or yield their control. So, it doesn’t matter what other people offer, no matter how fair it is – if the narcissists toddler level sense of control is threatened, they will lash out and try and dominate. And if they don’t succeed, they will often slink away and begin to plot their revenge.
Narcissists cause all sorts of chaos and divisions. Because everything is about them being the centre of attention and them getting their way. And if they cannot directly control, they will usually do what they can to sabotage other people’s leadership and wreck any form of group consensus. So, they will dominate by interrupting people, criticising them, ignoring them and by being deliberately difficult, confrontational and uncooperative.
It’s all a bid to feed from the resulting attention, and to devise ways in which people will cater to their needs and please them. They are emotional manipulators, and they specialise in using people’s reactions to their advantage.
For example, if a person becomes frustrated by the narcissist’s behaviour, they may lash out at the narcissist. But by doing that, the person can then lose the respect of other people who are feeling sympathy for the narcissist. And this plays into the hands of the narcissist and they will milk it to their advantage. It’s all very tricky.
Seeing how people react to the poisonous ways of a narcissist can be very revealing. You can learn about people’s weaknesses and their shadow traits. This can help you to make beneficial decisions about who you will work with. And also, if you are honourable, you can use what you learn in ways to help people and empower them. You can do the opposite of what the narcissist will do with this information.
Narcissists also tend to be professional liars and backstabbers. And they will often seek to turn people against each other through gossip and slander. They will poison group cohesion when it suits their needs. And their deceit and treachery can be very subtle if they are smart enough to be sneaky about it.
They tend to become very jealous of people who hold power and influence, as that is what they crave. And they will frequently target those people in particular. And that is another way to spot them, as they often won’t be able to conceal their narcissism when interacting with someone they are trying to depose.
Much of the time, they are not actually consciously scheming and plotting. Many of their actions are caused by impulses arising from unprocessed insecurities. And they can flip very quickly from acting normally, to acting in narcissistic ways. Especially if their sense of superiority or control is being threatened.
And their actions can become increasingly bizarre and illogical. They will often sow confusion by incoherently ranting, making accusations, and then simply claiming they are correct. It is best to calmly and rationally call them out by asking them to explain further and provide evidence. And much of the time, they won’t be able to do that, as they were just being impulsive. So, it’s best to not insist they are wrong, because they will then try and use the confrontation to their advantage.
What you have to realise, is narcissists are delusional and insecure. They are a slave to their egomania. And wrapped up in that illusion of egomania is false pride — the need to be recognised as being right all the time, the need to have followers and worshippers, the need to feel important, the need to have power and control over others. And if they don’t get their feed, it can drive them mad, and some narcissists do end up becoming psychotic.
If you do find yourself entangled with a narcissist, you do have to be cautious. And some narcissists are actually very dark and evil. And many narcissists are like quasi black magicians — they have no idea or concern about how their dark emotions and sentiments are being projected at people, as they are so wrapped up in their delusional intellectual prejudices.
And narcissists act in very similar ways to malevolent transdimensional entities. An insatiable desire to dominate is a reflection of the demonic. And they often have entities around them or within them. So, the narcissists erratic and unpredictable behaviours can sometimes be the result of ghoulish transdimensional influences.
If you get on the wrong side of a narcissist, you could end up being attacked night and day, and it can become quite an ordeal.
So, it can be a good strategy to play along a little bit – to not antagonise them or criticise them, and to just extract yourself as swiftly as possible without getting into confrontation. Let them think they are in control. Let them believe their delusions. And then quietly slip away.
If you pander too much to their fluctuating traits and emotional manipulations, you will play into their hands, and they will bleed you dry. You do not want to become their enemy, because they are vampires. They are energetic parasites that feed from the rifts and conflict they create in their pursuit of dominance.
If you realise you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist – run!
But okay… maybe they have some light left in them and you want to give them a chance. And some people do have some narcissistic tendencies, but are not full-blown narcissists. So you do have to be careful to not judge people too harshly. We can all be a bit obstinate at times. We can all make a fuss when we want to get our way at times.
But if you do determine you really are in a relationship with a narcissist, your only hope is to gently try and persuade them to face their shadow traits – and to begin to process their dark emotions and intellectual prejudices.
Something rather extreme like packing them off to an Ayahuasca retreat could help. But ultimately, they have to be willing to look at their darkness, otherwise even that will be ineffective. And narcissists are generally not interested in self-development because they already think they are perfect. But lurking beneath their facade is invariably a deeply hidden sense of self-loathing.
You see, how it works, is deep down the narcissist actually hates themself. And so they unconsciously project that inner hatred at other people. They focus on other people’s faults and weaknesses as a compensation for not focusing on their own faults and weaknesses.
They act in ways to bring out other people’s shadow traits, so they can punish them and claim superiority. And they will falsely accuse people of being dark by projecting their own darkness. And these are also unconscious compensations for not admitting or resolving their own shadow traits.
So, they strive to maintain their delusion of moral and intellectual superiority by bullying and by playing on people’s insecurities. But it’s all an act of projection. And they are very afraid of this projection being exposed, hence why they often react with such vitriol when they are challenged.
Getting a narcissist to uncover the inner hate they have for themselves, and to recognise it as the root of their attitudes and behaviours – that is really the only way they can be healed.
In the meantime, you should understand that narcissists are not capable of the give and take required in a healthy intimate relationship. Therefore, it is best to ditch any expectations you may have about them being genuinely kind and understanding. They can act as if they are being kind and understanding, but usually that is just a ploy because they want something in return.
Be very cautious to not depend on them for support and validation. You cannot rely on a narcissist for emotional support or encouragement. As when you are having a hard time in life, they will seek ways to take advantage of your weaknesses, to dominate you further.
It is best to not reveal your weaknesses to a narcissist as they will exploit them. At first they can appear to be altruistic — they can become the rescuer. But that is all part of a trap being set, and they will have ulterior motives.
If you do decide to confront them, then play on their egomania. Soften them slightly by complimenting them on their redeeming characteristics. And then lay out very calmly and succinctly what it is you want or are recommending.
Despite a narcissists delusional sense of their abilities, they will rarely mention anything about their interpersonal skills. And that is because they don’t value empathy or compassion. And so, one thing you could try, is to call them out on that. And try to get them to see things from a more empathic and compassionate viewpoint.
They are usually very judgemental and belligerent, and can also be very cruel. You could question their contempt and disrespect, and propose ways they could be more equitable and conscientious.
But it may not be worth your effort. As they will likely turn on you in one way or another. And if a narcissist turns hostile or feigns self-pity – it is important you do not fall into their trap.
They will want you to mirror their hostility so they can then flip to being the victim. Or they will want you to react with sympathy to their self-pity, so they can flip to being the aggressor. They want to ensnare you via your reactions, and emotionally manipulate you to their advantage.
Goodness threatens the narcissist, as deep down they know it is what they are lacking. So they attempt to bring out people’s dark side, and they will often achieve this. You have to hold your ground by being respectful and emotionally neutral, whilst also not yielding to their control tactics. And if they will not be reasonable, it is best to just walk away and avoid confrontation.
In general, you keep yourself safe by not giving a narcissist anything that allows them to feed from your life force. And that means not allowing them to dominate you. Therefore, you have to be cautious to not allow a narcissist to gain control over any aspect of your life. For example, your job, your finances, your business, your organisation, your website.
Sometimes they are sneaky and will not fully reveal their narcissism until they are actually in a position where they can control and dominate people. It is best to spot them early. And if you don’t, and they get some control over you, you will have to act in ways to cut them out of your life before they bleed you dry. And that can be an ordeal, because they will put up a fight.
Do what you need to do to remove the power they have over you. But you should carefully weigh up whether it is worth confrontation, as it can be extremely draining to be in conflict with a narcissist. Is it worth fighting them to regain control? Maybe it is, but stay calm and neutral in your emotions as best as you can if you decide to go down that road.
If you enter confrontation solely because of spite, bitterness, indignation or pride – you are allowing the narcissist to suck you down to their level. And they will outlast you at that level, so be careful not to mirror them. Sometimes, the best way out is to just accept your losses and walk away. Let them have it, so what, move on, rebuild.
If you do take them on and manage to regain control, they will often fully unravel and implode. So watch out if that happens, as they won’t be able to hide their malevolence anymore and they’ll go into a full meltdown. It won’t be pretty, and if you can distance yourself, do so.
Whether you regain control through confrontation or by walking away, once a narcissist realises their control and dominance over you has ended, you will be liberated.
And then hopefully you will never fall into the same trap again. You will know how to spot them.
Without control over people, and without anyone reinforcing their delusional sense of superiority through admiration, subservience or feebleness – the narcissist is kept at bay.
During any entanglement with a narcissist, and also in the aftermath of your escape, you have to control your emotions. Stay calm and do your best to not hold grievances about their actions. And that means, not falling into resentment, bewilderment, vengeance or hate. Because if you are weakened by negative reactions and emotions, they are still dominating you.
Try not to think about them at all. And don’t allow yourself to languish in dark emotions – it can rot your soul – and that is what the ghoulish side of a narcissist wants.
Also, see if you can appreciate any lessons you’ve learnt from the experience. Look for the silver lining. For example, you can learn about yourself from your reactions. And the narcissist may have revealed some of your insecurities, your shadow traits and your vulnerabilities. And with this information, you can fortify yourself.
If you have managed to escape from a narcissist, but you feel you are still being psychically attacked by their projections of hate – you protect yourself most by staying emotionally and mentally calm and neutral. Free yourself from grievance as necessary.
You should also ensure to get rid of any items that remind you of them. Blocking them on social media and on your phone is usually a good idea also.
All in all, do your best to avoid narcissists. Don’t get into relationships with them, don’t work with them, don’t live with them, don’t do anything with them. They are dangerous, and by avoiding dangerous people you protect yourself.
One of the only upsides of dealing with a narcissist, is it makes you extremely grateful for the people in your life who are genuinely kind and loving.
Thank the heavens for them you’ll say!
© Adrian Connock
